Distressed Damsel

(Contribution to Fourth Annual Contest of Whatever from Evil Squirrels Nest)

The Mother Goose was patrolling the sea.


Owlala, the inhabitant of Crow’s Nest:



Mother Goose, the captain, opens the bottle:

„Help me!

Captain Hardhat and his cat pack have kidnapped me and I have to clean their hairballs and cat toilets for them! You can find the Pirates on Shelf-Island in the Skull-cave.“


Mother Goose: „Ahoi Crew – we have a damsel in distress! Let’s sail to Shelf-Island and conquer skull cave!“

Other critters break out in song:

uups, where did this come from, of course they break out in song like this:

Later at Shelf-Island:


Captain Hardhat to his vice-villain:

„Yellow, isn’t that a ship coming to the island? What could a ship want here? These waters are treacherous and not exactly known for their entertainment value!“


„Maybe that big green lump has sent for his offspring!“


„One can only hope, Yellow, she is a dead bore and keeps on nagging … It is not that much to ask of her to empty our cat toilets, after all we feed her and she desparately wanted to come! I did not even have the impression her father wanted her to stay.“


„Yes, Hardhat, that should have been a warning sign!“


„Hindsight is always 20/20. “


„It seemed such a good idea to have a toilet cleaner.“


„We live on a sandy island, Hardy!“

„Yeah, sure … but every cat that isn’t just a barn cat has a toilet cleaner, for sure.“

Meanwhile, on the ship:


First mate Lóng:

„What’s oul plan, captain?“

Bronze, the little piglet:

„Let’s smother them with our cannon balls!“


Mother Goose:

„We only have ONE cannonball, Bronze, and that one is rather fragile, I’m afraid. Besides it does not fit in our cannon!“


Bronze hangs head.

From the Crow’s Nest:

„I cou-hoot attack them with my stink granates!“

„Thank you very much, Owlala, but you know that misfired the last time and we had a hard time cleaning the deck of the Mother Goose? No, here comes my plan, let’s try to negotiate with them. Maybe they are reasonable.“

Lóng: „They ale pilates, captain.“

Mother Goose:

„Still, I’d rather try to negotiate. Before we try anything that could harm us more than them.“

Ship holds in front of towers.

Mother Goose:

„Hey there, sleepyhead!“



„Where do you know my name fro-ooaaaam!“ yawns

*is so tired, is clearly out of focus*

Mother Goose turns away:

„Hey, Silverbeard!“


Silver, jumps out of tower, runs up the tower of Sleepy, jumps out again, runs up to Hardhat, runs down again to his tower, without ever stopping:

„Hey, yeah, you are there, wait a minute, just going to alert the pack, hell, not a minute too early, just wait here – so, there again, what can I do for you?!“

Mother Goose:

„You should seriously reconsider the amount of coffee you are drinking. Hey, I have heard you have a young lady living with you?“

„Well, yeah, is in the cave with the magicians, hell, can’t even be useful there, girl is completely useless.“

„What would you say if we give you a nice shiny, golden ball in exchange for that girl?“

„Whoa, a shiny golden ball? Now, that is an offer that Hardhat has to decide about!“

Jumps out of tower, runs over to Sleepy’s tower, jumps out of tower, runs uphill where Hardhat and Yellow look quizzingly at each other.

„Have you heard, boss, the nice goose-lady is offering to take that pesky scaly thing away – for exchange of a gold ball!“

„But we do not have a ball of gold!“

„Oh, no, she wants to GIVE us a golden ball!“

„Whoa! Wait a minute, I come down with you!“


Mother Goose:

„Hi there, Hardhat. I was talking to your guard here. I have heard you have damsell with you. And I would like to exchange the little girl against this golden ball!“

Bronze jumps in from the right:
„Nooo – you cannot give our cannonball away!“

Mother Goose: „Oh, shut up, Bronze, you know it does not fit our cannon. While these nice gentlemen have some good use for it!“

Bronze sulks.

Hardhat makes doubtful expression.

Mother Goose:

„Ok, we can sail away again, if you wish.“

Hardhat, now his cat instincts fully awoken:

„AWAY?! No, wait. Let me have this ball – Silver, get that girl here!“

„Consider it done, Captain!“

Jumps to cave, singing:

Comes out with tied little dragon:


Silver: „Here is Miss Pretty!“

Mother Goose:

„You can keep the ribbon, Silver, we won’t have any use for that on board, come girl, we will get you home to your father!“


„Noooo! I am not going with you, you are not a Knight in Shiny armour!“

Mother Goose:“Knights in Shiny Armour are the first to die, as the enemies find them first!“


„But, but ..“

„Oh, for Heaven’s sake, girl, get onto the ship and stop arguing! I have already swapped our last cannonball against you, so now be a good girl or I’ll give you some of my mind!“

Bowie sulks.

On the ship:

Mother Goose:

„Hey, Bronze, keep an eye upon this little bundle of mischief. I wish I had accepted the ribbon she came with …“

Bronze glares at Mother Goose, but takes dragon into corner of ship where they start to whisper.

Later, at night:

Shuffling noises, silent splash, one excited „Squeek!“ and a „Shhh“

Next Morning:

Mother Goose:

„Now, where are Bronze and where is our passenger?“


„Well, I saw two figures, coming out of our storeroom, carrying some folded bundle. Then I saw them throwing that bundle over board, heard an excited „Squeek“ and both figures went overboard, too.“

Mother Goose.

„And you have not raised alarm?“


„But why? There was no danger from two persons LEAVING the ship!“




The End

Thank you for staying with us through the musical version of Damsel in (Di-)stress


Minna Feather as Mother Goose

Her Daughter Emma as figurehead

Stone, the cat as Captain Hardhat

Misty Eyed as Silverbeard

Fay Nongray as Sleepy

Lisa Lovesit as Lóng, the Chinese Dragon

Eulalia as Owlala

Percy Pigtail as Bronze

Ches Hirecat as Yellow

and the fabulous Ruby Rhett in the title role of Bowie!

Unnamed appearances were put in by: The kittens, the Egyptian Duo, the Bears, Birdie and last but not least The Squirrel,

Cameo appearances were put in by Sting, The Beatles, Death Destruction, Tischgruppe, Aurore Rien, Crocodile Dundee and his colleagues, Passion Pit, Audrey Landers, R.E.M, Emil Bulls and Rod Stewart. Thank you youtube for making those possible.








11 Antworten zu “Distressed Damsel

  1. Nice! I wasn’t expecting someone to make a musical entry! Who would not want to spend a lifetime cleaning out cat toilets and hairballs? Heck, I signed up for ti willingly….

    Thank you for making this entry and good luck to you!

    • Since I always get your musical posts from times long gone, I thought I’d do something along that line … besides – this was the year of Lalaland – so I hoped for some tailwind …

  2. Very nice. I am still laughing.

  3. Pingback: Amateur Crittermatography | Evil Squirrel's Nest

  4. Wow! what an imagination! lol… Good Luck! 🙂 T.

    • Well, I am behind on writing short stories, since writing this little thingie … so maybe it sucked up most of my creativity … or I was just too exhausted with my broken washing machine and the putting down of my tomcat (by a vet).

      • Awww, I’m sorry about your kitty, I have had a few pets over the years that have passed on..it gets harder each time, I have an almost 15 yr old blind Shi-itzu, he’s our baby..I dread the day…. Time heals ….put your emotions to paper! Your a great writer! Good luck with the contest! T. (ladybuggz) 🙂

      • To be blatantly honest – I don’t think I made that much of an entry. Though someone wrote me she might have laughed at it, I am still sure it’s a rather boring story … No sex and no violence – how can that win?

      • Just means..your not „quite“ as crazy as the rest of us! lol… 🙂 Oh, that’s a good thing! lol… Cheers! T.

      • Maybe it means I am just too crazy in real life … you always go for what you don’t have in your stories, after all.

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